Death, job loss, divorce, accidents, illness, aging, acts of violence, mental or physical health emergencies, and personal upheaval are all a part of life on this earth. We can wish it weren’t so, but this is a reality we cannot free ourselves from. In times of hardship and strife, it’s helpful to remember that we cannot control external forces or other people’s behavior. Things will happen. If you are in a time of grief or loss, please allow yourself adequate time to reflect and heal. Be kind to yourself without being indulgent or self-sacrificing. The following seven practices and attitudes, outlined in more depth in my book, have brought me comfort in times of hurt and loss and I hope they will help you, too.
1. Take One Day At A Time
Take one day at a time and give yourself some structure to follow, particularly in the first days and weeks after a major loss. Having something to do can be a welcome distraction in times of hardship, but don’t force yourself to be busy every minute. I didn’t fully realize it until much later, but immediately following my son Robbie’s death, I found it a mercy to get up, get dressed, and go to the funeral home to receive visitors. It gave me a short-term mission and an outlet for my grief and shock. People often tell me that small everyday tasks (making the bed, grooming, walking the dog, cooking, cleaning, etc.) take on new significance when your heart hurts. Making it a mission to visit my dad every day during the last month of his life brought me a strong sense of satisfaction and gratitude. Shortly after he died, I found myself cleaning out, rearranging and reorganizing my bedroom drawers, and now, two years later, they are still in order.
2. Give Yourself Time To Reflect And Grieve
Give yourself time to reflect and grieve. In the case of a death, your loved one is gone but you can keep his or her memory alive. Talk to your departed loved one when you feel like it, write in your journal. Set aside time to revisit cherished memories as an outlet for your feelings. But be kind to yourself; don’t let it become self-punishing. I say this because on the first two anniversaries of Robbie’s death, I set aside the entire day for grieving, which included the grisly practice of reading his autopsy report. Finally realizing what a torturous ritual this was, I changed my tack, choosing to then honor the day he was born and not the day he died.
3. Accept Reality
Accept reality. In the case of divorce, health crises, or a lost job, don’t spend too much time second guessing, fantasizing other outcomes, or wishing for what cannot be. In the case of death or major loss, give yourself whatever time you need to work through your sadness and pain, because you cannot escape it. Instead of asking why, help yourself accept what is. In time, explore how you can adjust to your new reality with as little anger, self-sacrifice, or bitterness as possible. This can be difficult, depending on the circumstances or scope of your loss. Be good to yourself and just do your best.
4. Even In The Face Of Loss, There Are Still Things To Be Grateful For
Even in the face of loss, there are still things to be grateful for, though it may take time for them to resurface. If you lost a job, maybe you still have your health, or if you’ve suffered a health crisis perhaps you’re grateful to still be alive. In the case of divorce, remind yourself of how self-defeating it is to live in a non-nurturing relationship. If you have lost a loved one, hold onto and bless your cherished memories and moments of joy. Periodically sit down and review all of the things you still feel grateful for, despite your loss. Write them down on a sheet of paper. Add to your list. As you heal, keep the list handy; reread it often. You can even carry it with you as a positive reminder. If you would like a “Gratitude List†card, suitable for carrying in your wallet, please send me a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll be happy to send you one.
5. As you recover... Pledge To Take Good Care Of Yourself
As you recover from a time of grief, transition, or loss, pledge to take extra good care of yourself, mentally, physically, spiritually. Get adequate sleep and engage in moderate exercise. Add some healthy self-nurturing practices to your daily routine. Pray. Meditate. Walk the dog, or simply go for a walk if you don’t have a pet. If you feel a consistent pain in your muscles that didn't used to be there, consider massage or cranio-sacral therapy to work the grief out of your cells. If you don't have anyone to talk to, find yourself a counselor to help you sort things out during this difficult period. Explore all of your options for feeling better and above all, avoid self-destructive behaviors such as binge eating, drinking, or grudge shopping as they only add to your burden.
6. Don't Keep Your Feelings Bottled Up Or Pretend You've Gotten Over Your Loss
Don't keep your feelings bottled up or pretend you've gotten over your loss when, deep inside, you still feel the hurt. Grief must work its way out of our bodies and minds. Time is a blessing, but unfortunately, it does take time to get over loss. Exercise, meditation, therapy and bodywork (all mentioned above) can be a godsend. But a personalized healing ritual can also help ease some of your loss or hurt. In "All Is Not Lost" I describe a few such rituals. You can write a letter to yourself or to your loved one, even if he or she is gone. Consider putting down in words what your lost loved one might want to say to you. Keep or dispose of your document as you see fit.
7. Maintain Your Faith Over Time.
Maintain your faith over time. Time, faith and healing will do their work. Hold onto your beliefs and values. It sounds like a cliche to be told that time heals when you're in the throes of grief, but it is so true. Hope and optimism help us find our way through pain or despair. Though it doesn't feel like at this moment, time is a powerful balm for the pain of loss. Bolster your spirit with the thought that there will be a day when you won't hurt so much.
